Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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