When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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