If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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