I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
