put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
