I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
