I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
