May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
