I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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