I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
