i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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