her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
