woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
