I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
