she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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