At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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