Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
