i was born a porn star she said
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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