He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
