I hope mine doesn't look like that
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
