I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
