please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
