Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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