So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
