I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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