Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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