if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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