Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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