So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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