my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
