Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
