I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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