i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
