I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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