omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
