Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
