I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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