I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
