just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
