if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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