Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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