I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
