toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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