Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
