Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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