If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
