I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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