remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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