Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize