My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize