Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I won the penis lottery.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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