I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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