Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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