Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
