i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
