WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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